One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Personal Assistant

I’m forgetful. Like, really forgetful. Like, someone will ask me, “Chris, can you grab me a soda while you’re in the kitchen?” and I’ll forget my name is Chris.

This doesn’t bode well for my new job. I just got hired as a waiter and, during the interview, one of the answers I gave as to what makes a good server was “attentiveness.” It was a good answer and drew praise. Outside job interviews, however, I’m not very attentive.

What I need is help. When I walk around, I carry a small notepad to make observations in. I write a lot of different things—this blog, fiction, non-fiction, rap lyrics, warnings for poison labels, gay personal ads, obituaries for friends and family behind their backs—and it’s always good to have a pen and paper on me to jot down a note to myself. I’d probably do it regardless of my profession; if I were a police officer I’d write “Reload Gun”; if I were a rapist I’d write “visit Suzie late at night.” It’s really the same.

So when I work as a waiter, I’ll have a notepad to remind me of your stupid, complicated order, but I can’t always pull out a pen and paper in every situation, can I? It's much easier to do it while taking an order than, say, while having a serious relationship talk or arguing with a police officer. Plus, sometimes a reminder to myself will get buried and lost between an idea for a story and a gay personal ad. So what’s a boy to do?
Yeah baby...move that finger over my ass.
I suppose I could carry around Post-it notes and constantly tack them to places I often look: my computer screen, my steering wheel, Suzie’s ass.
Perhaps a better solution would be to buy a Palm Pilot but, to be honest, when I go out somewhere, I already carry my wallet, cell phone, iPod, keys, pen, small notebook, and Keebler elf friend Wally in my pockets, so a Palm Pilot would just be overkill. Plus, all those electronics so close to my balls could produce mutations...and not the cool X-men, shoot lasers from my balls mutations...more like the mishapen, useless testicle kind of mutations.

So I was racking my brain for a solution to my memory problem (remember, that’s where I started? I know Suzie's ass was distracting) when it finally hit me. The perfect, simplest, least annoying way to remind myself of things: Clippy the Paperclip.

You remember Clippy, right? That cute, helpful little paperclip who used to come with Microsoft Word? He was always a jolly, welcome guest to whatever paper, letter, or ransom note I was writing. He was quick to offer advice and suggestions for content and formatting. He was great!

If I could somehow procure a pocket-sized, real-life version of Clippy, I know my life would be much better.

I could ask him to remember things for me, like where in the mall parking lot I left my car, which way I turn a screw to loosen it, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

He could jump out of my pocket in situations to make sure I’m not making silly or rash decisions and tell me the best way to go. If my clothes don't match or my fireman costume isn't believable, he wouldn't let me go out in public.

I could also ask his advice: “Which tie goes best with this wig?” I'd ask him, or,“Will I get a ticket if I leave my prostitute tied to this parking meter?” Who can I trust in a complicated situation more than Clippy, a program designed by Microsoft?

I believe that Clippy could be as big as the iPod. The first version will likely be clunky and somewhat cumbersome, but as updates are released, he'll get smaller, sleeker, and capable of speaking other languages like Spanish or ebonics.

I bet you're worried about Clippy getting annoying. We all remember those times when we actually weren't writing a letter and didn't need Clippy's help, but he Please don't kill me. I love you!kept popping up regardless, offering suggestions we didn't need like a needling girlfriend who won't shut up despite the fact that we know perfectly well which exit takes us to Six Flags over Spokane and don't need her gabbing in our fucking ear. But I digress. This Clippy will be easy to silence (if only your girlfriend were as easy), and he'll even come with a self-destruct function if you get too frustrated with his interruptions.

So I'm going to do whatever it takes to get Microsoft to start manufacturing pocket-versions of Clippy as soon as possible, not just for me, but for humanity.

You're welcome.

Related Posts:
Alternate Versions of Clippy
Clippy's Guide to Ransom Notes
Clippy's Guide to Suicide Notes

Other OneEggShy Posts:
If Jesus had IM
Cuddle Parties

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