One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Clippy's Guide to Ransom Notes

Welcome to Clippy's Guide to Ransom Notes! I'll take you through a quick series of instructions to make sure you get the most money out of the hostage's love ones.
Do not fuck with me. I'll burn your pets for fun.• Cut out the letters of your message from fashion magazines; that way, the feds won’t be able to recognize your child-like penmanship.

• Send a non-traditional body part as proof of your kidnap victim. Remember, the more strange the body part, the more demented the captor. Knee caps, ear lobes, and segments of lower intestine will all freak people out.

• Come up with a great fake name to sign off as. Pick a famously evil character like Jack the Ripper or Vlad the Impaler. That'll be awesome.


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