One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Pulling the Rabbit

David Blaine is an asshole.

Seriously, who cares about these stupid-ass stunts he’s doing? Staying underwater? Standing on a pole? Living in ice? These sound like dares I would have taken during my freshman year of high school.

“Yo Chris, I dare you to try and stand on that pole for 25 hours!”

“Will it be nationally televised?”


“Then fuck it.”

I’ve been thinking about becoming Blaine’s manager and promoter. His next trick should be trying to eat an entire tub of vanilla pudding in under 5 minutes. Or getting Becky Kula’s phone number (she’s so gross!). How about running through the halls with only his tighty-whities on!? That’ll totally piss off the vice-principal.

At least David Copperfield had Claudia Schiffer; who is David Blaine married to? Copperfield also had pizzaz, what with the hand waving and gay dancing...Blaine just stands there looking cracked out and making blood come out of weird places. I’d rather have GOB from Arrested Development as the magician for my birthday party than David Blaine; Blaine would just terrify my older relatives by submerging his face in the toilet for 15 minutes. Either that or he’d pretend to levitate in my kitchen, causing Aunt Gertie to exclaim that there’s a devil in our house.

I miss the days when magic was all about the show; these new extreme magicians just don't have the flair of the old timers. David Blaine would take out flaming handkerchiefs from his sleeve and use them to light his hair on fire while he was trapped in a mine. He'd saw a replica of himself in half and fall apart in two pieces in the Iran before eating a Big Mac through his ass. If David Blaine pulled a rabbit out of a hat, he'd probably bite its head off and then re-attach it and watch the bunny hop away...ok, that'd actually be pretty cool. See? I should be his promoter.


  • At 5:27 PM, Blogger Candy Minx said…

    Heh heh. I actually think his traditional magic is okay, that photo is helping me hate him either! Um, but I don't get these stunts either. I have a lot of friends who are performers in a circus( and some of them do amazing stunts and I tend to be pretty fussy. I just don't get the stunts, shouldn't the stunts be illusions? maybe they are maybe his skin wasn't really wrinkled just make up?

    Yeah, I love old fashioned flair and tricks...but I figured I must be missing something, same with Copperfeild, like maybe they are more interesting in person?

  • At 6:03 PM, Blogger Angela in Europe said…

    Oh, I hate him too, but you know who hates him more? England. The whole country was praying that he wouldn't make it through his last stunt.

  • At 2:58 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said…

    funny the England hate. the stunts may be tiresome, but the magic he does on the streets totally makes up for it. very cool tricks.

    as far as being married, he's not, but he definitely dates models and hot chicks. Josie Maran, Fiona Apple come to mind immediately ... oh manon von gerkan (had to look it up).

    you might say the best tricks are these girls he lands ...


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