One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Bird Flu?

So a bird infected with the avian flu was found in Camden County, New Jersey, which is one county away from mine. In a completed related and scary story, I ate chicken for breakfast yesterday morning.

I’m not usually one to get panicked by the threat of oncoming doom, but this news was a little frightening. What’s even more frightening is the group of geese that lives in my backyard. If they got infected, I’d be dead in like, two hours or something.

It’s funny how you never really consider the potential seriousness of something when it’s far away. When birds were dying in Asia, I didn’t really give a crap. Now that it’s in my neighborhood though, I’m a little worried. Not frightened, just worried.

However, as with all things, I like to look at the positive side of things. If the avian flu does strike the good ol’ US of A, at least we’ll get rid of some of the more annoying birds that have plagued us in our history. Here is a list of birds I wouldn’t mind seeing eliminated:

Woody Woodpecker:

I really wouldn't miss this little freak. He always wanted you to think he was harmless when, in actuality, he was an annoying piece of crap. He was always keeping people up with his incessant pecking and laughing that annoying laugh. He's the first one gone.

Tweedy Bird

This little fluttering piece of crap lived to torment poor Sylvester. All Sylvester wanted was to eat the damn bird, but Tweedy was constantly against that for some reason. If he was a good sport, he would have slathered himself in barbeque sauce and laid prone, waiting for his fate. The worst part is Sylvester never seemed to eat anything else because he was always pursuing Tweedy. Get that damn cat a steak or something! Tweedy will be stricken with the flu but, unfortunately, Sylvester too will bite the dust after feasting on the little bird's corpse.

Toucan Sam:

Don't get me wrong, I like Fruit Loops as much as the next guy. I always felt, however, that the bird promoting the cereal was more fruity than the cereal itself. His strange, fey accent...his love of garish he sometimes hangs around with his three nephews--it just doesn't add up for me. Rather than worry just how fruity our loops actually are, let's just get rid of him.

Road Runner

I just feel bad for the coyote because the Road Runner is such a cock tease. Just once I'd like to see that freaking coyote eat, if not the entire bird, then at least a leg. Since that'll never happen, I'll let the deadly virus take this speedster out instead. You can outrun a train, sure, but how about a disease attacking you from the inside, huh? I bet no street lines leading off a cliff are going to save you this time, you bastard.

The Crows From Dumbo:

These racially charged birds did everything but pick cotton in Disney's Dumbo back in the day. It's funny how you don't pick up on bigotry when you're a kid, but now whenever I watch this movie (nightly?), I can't help but shake my head at the flat-out racism of Walt and his animators. Shame on you Disney, shame on you. I think it's time the bird flu took care of these two once and for all.Oh, and when are we going to get an African American princess to add to the hot-princess ranks? We've already got an Asian (Mulan), a Native American (Pocahontas), an Arab (Jasmine), and a fucking mermaid for the love of Pete, so how about a sista?


  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger Candy Minx said…

    Great idea, fun. You are young even if you got the bird flu you'd be okay. Um, has any human actually got this avian flu? I thought maybe it was an urban myth?

    How ya doin'

  • At 10:19 AM, Blogger Angela in Europe said…

    You aren't going to die. I live in Paris where dogs, birds and people shit randomly and I haven't gotten it yet.

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger Russo said…

    Damn, that was funny!

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger Russo said…


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