One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

You Got Served

(DISCLAIMER: Make sure to have your speakers on to get the full experience)

The other day I decided to put in an application at a new restaurant that is opening nearby. I needed a summer job and figured that being able to set my own hours and instantly pocket the money I made was a good idea; it would give me time to write, go to the shore, and do any other meaningless pursuits I could come up with.

I went to the restaurant and was directed to the hiring trailer. Since the restaurant is under construction, the staff is doing all its hiring in a nearby trailer, presumably trying to draw in a white trash core of employees.

I walked in, grabbed an application, and started filling it out. Behind me one of the managers chatted idly about the Boston Red Sox. I stored this knowledge and continued writing. When I was finished, I handed it to Red Sox Man, and figured I'd be on my way. But a strange thing happened... the door to the trailer slammed shut with a steel barrier. Red Sox Man pulled me aside and told me that I looked like a worthwhile challenger, and that he was ready to interview me. I wasn't ready; I felt panicked.

I went in armed with only my meager application (with meager restaurant experience), my wit, a standard mega buster, and his weakness: a love for Boston sports. We battled.

Keep reading ...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Pulling the Rabbit

David Blaine is an asshole.

Seriously, who cares about these stupid-ass stunts he’s doing? Staying underwater? Standing on a pole? Living in ice? These sound like dares I would have taken during my freshman year of high school.

“Yo Chris, I dare you to try and stand on that pole for 25 hours!”

“Will it be nationally televised?”


“Then fuck it.”

I’ve been thinking about becoming Blaine’s manager and promoter. His next trick should be trying to eat an entire tub of vanilla pudding in under 5 minutes. Or getting Becky Kula’s phone number (she’s so gross!). How about running through the halls with only his tighty-whities on!? That’ll totally piss off the vice-principal.

At least David Copperfield had Claudia Schiffer; who is David Blaine married to? Copperfield also had pizzaz, what with the hand waving and gay dancing...Blaine just stands there looking cracked out and making blood come out of weird places. I’d rather have GOB from Arrested Development as the magician for my birthday party than David Blaine; Blaine would just terrify my older relatives by submerging his face in the toilet for 15 minutes. Either that or he’d pretend to levitate in my kitchen, causing Aunt Gertie to exclaim that there’s a devil in our house.

I miss the days when magic was all about the show; these new extreme magicians just don't have the flair of the old timers. David Blaine would take out flaming handkerchiefs from his sleeve and use them to light his hair on fire while he was trapped in a mine. He'd saw a replica of himself in half and fall apart in two pieces in the Iran before eating a Big Mac through his ass. If David Blaine pulled a rabbit out of a hat, he'd probably bite its head off and then re-attach it and watch the bunny hop away...ok, that'd actually be pretty cool. See? I should be his promoter.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

What a whirlwind

So wow. What a crazy few days.

For those who don't check the sitemeter at the bottom of my page (and why would you?), a link on collegehumor to my Jesus IM post brought in over 24,000 visitors to the site in just over four days.

Some people liked it: Some random Christian said…"Dude, that's wicked funny. And I don't find it the least bit offensive.I mean, God's got a sense of humor. Look at the platypus."

While others didn't: Anonymous said…wow!!!! that really sucked!!!!!! u guys really do no how 2 disrespect ur lord!! i mean, even a sense of humor has a limit---2 say jesus would say things like that is absolutely disgusting!!!!ya, theres no doubt ur going straight 2 heaven.-NOTkeep it up and u wont even have 2 wait till u die 2 get tortured-it'll prolly start in this life. i'm not veen a christian and i still have more respect 4 jesus than u ppl. DESPICABLE!!!!

(At least he thought the site was maintained by a bunch of ppl and he knew where the "!" key was).

I'm going to take a break from posting the Jesus IMs, although I did just buy a Bible so I could do more research and I'm going to begin shopping around the idea as a coffee-table book. So to everyone who visited,


After a brief break while I finish up my semester, I'll get back to posting.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Bird Flu?

So a bird infected with the avian flu was found in Camden County, New Jersey, which is one county away from mine. In a completed related and scary story, I ate chicken for breakfast yesterday morning.

I’m not usually one to get panicked by the threat of oncoming doom, but this news was a little frightening. What’s even more frightening is the group of geese that lives in my backyard. If they got infected, I’d be dead in like, two hours or something.

It’s funny how you never really consider the potential seriousness of something when it’s far away. When birds were dying in Asia, I didn’t really give a crap. Now that it’s in my neighborhood though, I’m a little worried. Not frightened, just worried.

However, as with all things, I like to look at the positive side of things. If the avian flu does strike the good ol’ US of A, at least we’ll get rid of some of the more annoying birds that have plagued us in our history. Here is a list of birds I wouldn’t mind seeing eliminated:

Woody Woodpecker:

I really wouldn't miss this little freak. He always wanted you to think he was harmless when, in actuality, he was an annoying piece of crap. He was always keeping people up with his incessant pecking and laughing that annoying laugh. He's the first one gone.

Tweedy Bird

This little fluttering piece of crap lived to torment poor Sylvester. All Sylvester wanted was to eat the damn bird, but Tweedy was constantly against that for some reason. If he was a good sport, he would have slathered himself in barbeque sauce and laid prone, waiting for his fate. The worst part is Sylvester never seemed to eat anything else because he was always pursuing Tweedy. Get that damn cat a steak or something! Tweedy will be stricken with the flu but, unfortunately, Sylvester too will bite the dust after feasting on the little bird's corpse.

Toucan Sam:

Don't get me wrong, I like Fruit Loops as much as the next guy. I always felt, however, that the bird promoting the cereal was more fruity than the cereal itself. His strange, fey accent...his love of garish he sometimes hangs around with his three nephews--it just doesn't add up for me. Rather than worry just how fruity our loops actually are, let's just get rid of him.

Road Runner

I just feel bad for the coyote because the Road Runner is such a cock tease. Just once I'd like to see that freaking coyote eat, if not the entire bird, then at least a leg. Since that'll never happen, I'll let the deadly virus take this speedster out instead. You can outrun a train, sure, but how about a disease attacking you from the inside, huh? I bet no street lines leading off a cliff are going to save you this time, you bastard.

The Crows From Dumbo:

These racially charged birds did everything but pick cotton in Disney's Dumbo back in the day. It's funny how you don't pick up on bigotry when you're a kid, but now whenever I watch this movie (nightly?), I can't help but shake my head at the flat-out racism of Walt and his animators. Shame on you Disney, shame on you. I think it's time the bird flu took care of these two once and for all.Oh, and when are we going to get an African American princess to add to the hot-princess ranks? We've already got an Asian (Mulan), a Native American (Pocahontas), an Arab (Jasmine), and a fucking mermaid for the love of Pete, so how about a sista?