One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Friday, April 28, 2006

If Jesus had IM

Don't forget to check out the rest of OneEggShy while you're here!

Apostle#7: hey
JcDaMessiah: Yo, what's up?
Apostle#7: Umm...well, there's this wedding today, you wanna go?
JcDaMessiah: Okay. Sounds fun. Will there be dancing?
Apostle#7: Prolly.
JcDaMessiah: because you know I love to break it down.
Apostle#7: Oh, I know. But listen...
JcDaMessiah: What moves should I do?
JcDaMessiah: I'll start with something basic and work up to the complicated dances once I get fired up.
Apostle#7: :) yeah. But I heard they don't have much that cool?
JcDaMessiah: Not enough wine?
Apostle#7: thats what i heard.
JcDaMessiah: Crap. I need to have a good buzz on to attempt my new dance move.
Apostle#7: ???
JcDaMessiah: I call it the water walk. It'll be awesome. But anyway, will they have other things to drink?
Apostle#7: yeah, prolly. Im sure they'll have water.
JcDaMessiah: If they run out of wine, i'll figure something out. I really want to dance.
Apostle#7: okay, awesome! I'll see you over there. l8r

JcDaMessiah: Simon.
SimonSays: Hey, JC, what's up?
Listen, I've been thinking...
SimonSays: ???
You know you're my favorite and everything, right?
SimonSays: Yeah...
Well, I think you need a new name.
SimonSays: You mean SN?
Yeah, that too, eventually...but also a new, you know, name.
SimonSays: Oh.
SimonSays: Are you pulling my leg? Who put you up to this? Thomas? Nah, I doubt it. It was my bro, wasn't it?
SimonSays: Jesus?
Auto response from JcDaMessiah:
SimonSays: It was Andrew, I know it.
Sorry, I'm back. Mary called.
SimonSays: Your mom? How's she doin?
JcDaMessiah:, Magdalene...
SimonSays: Oh. You guys still talking?
It's not like that.
SimonSays: yeah, yeah, I'm sure. I know.
You know I wouldn't do that. We're just friends. I had her blocked for a while, but she's back on my list.
SimonSays: I believe you. Don't sweat it.
Anyway, as for the new name...
SimonSays: Right, right.
I was thinking Cain. How's that sound?
SimonSays: cain? Hmm...
Yeah, I thought that naming you after, you know, the bad guy, that you'd like reverse the negative image the name has.
SimonSays: Yeah, I guess that makes sense...
JK! I was just messing with you. Lol.
SimonSays: What?! I KNEW IT! I'm gonna kill Andrew. LOL! And here I thought you really wanted me to change my name. LOL.
SimonSays: What? Mary call again?
No...I was actually just kidding about Cain being your new name. I really do want you to change it...
SimonSays: Oh.
SimonSays: No big deal. What were you thinking?
How do you like Peter?
SimonSays: Peter? That's not bad.
I was thinking, you know, because you're going to be my rock. When I'm, you know, gone...
SimonSays: Okay, sure, Peter works. Whatever you think, So you are still leaving? Your Dad hasn't changed his mind?
I can't get ahold of him...he's always away.
SimonSays: Oh. Well, maybe he'll change his mind.
Maybe, but I doubt it. Anyway, I should run. I'm doing some sermon on some mountain or something. I don't know. LOL.
SimonSays: Okay man.
Okay. So you're cool with Peter?
SimonSays: yeah, it works. I kind of like it, to be honest.
Okay. I'll spread the word. Later.
SimonSays: Later.

Lucifer666: Yo. U there?
JcDaMessiah: Yeah. Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?
Lucifer666: I know, but I got a bet with my friends.
JcDaMessiah: Huh?
Lucifer666: U c, we’re crazy hungry, but all we got are these stones. Can you make some bread?
JcDaMessiah: >:o
Lucifer666: What?
JcDaMessiah: You don’t need the carbs. Besides, just listen to my pops and you’ll be cool.
Lucifer666: I tried IMing him, but hes always away. Bsides, if ur really, you know, your dads son, I dare you to lick the power outlet.
JcDaMessiah: Seriously, don’t test me.
Lucifer666:Come on! If you do it, I’ll let you copy my buddy list.
JcDaMessiah: I’m blocking you.
Lucifer666: Loser.

VirginMary7: Jeez?
Auto response from JcDaMessiah: Preachin'
VirginMary7: Okay honey, I guess you're out. I just wanted to make sure you were eating well. Remember, you can't live on bread alone! Have some fish or something with it. Be sure to share as well.
VirginMary7: Oh, and your father wants me to remind you that you promised to help him build a new bookshelf. Oh, sorry, "step-father."" Please be nice to Joseph, he was always there for you.
VirginMary7: I hope you're having fun with your new friends. I want to tell you though, I don't like that Judas. Something about him�Just make sure you're not getting in with the wrong crowd.

BackFromTheDead: Jesus!
JcDaMessiah: Who is this?
BackFromTheDead: It’s Lazarus!!! LOL! I just wanted 2 tell u I got a new sn.
JcDaMessiah:Oh, cool. How you feeling?
BackFromTheDead: Kinda hungover, but otherwise OK. Thanks again for, u know.
JcDaMessiah: No problem. G2g. Ttly.
BackFromTheDead: Cya!

Auto response from IAmWhoAm: I am away from my computer right now.
JcDaMessiah: Dammit. Oh, sorry.
JcDaMessiah: Oh, sorry. My bad.
JcDaMessiah: I really need to talk to you. I'm confused. I'm starting to doubt myself. The other day, these kids wanted me to bring their puppy back to life. I really wanted to do it, but I didn't want to abuse my powers, you know? Plus, I really screwed up this parable the other day. I meant to talk about a mustard seed, but suddenly it got into this whole discussion on the Holy Trinity, like if I share rent with you and the Holy Spirit if I'm living at a place. Then this guy started asking whether I go to the bathroom if, you know, I'm supposed to be perfect and everything. I could really use your help. Please get back to me when you can.

You have just entered room "chat16669971813739293635."

JCDaMessiah: Hey. I’m here. What’s up?
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: Jesus!
MelchiorWay: Jeez!
BalthasarGallatica: What up?!
JCDaMessiah: Um, hi?
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: You don’t remember us, do you?
BalthasarGallatica: We’re kinda like your uncles!
JCDaMessiah: No, I’m sorry. How’d you get my screenname?
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: We followed a star!
BalthasarGallatica: He’s kidding, we did a gizoogle search, my mizziah.
JCDaMessiah: I really don’t remember you guys. I’m sorry.
MelchiorWay: Oh come on, I bet you do.
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: I’d make that bet.
MelchiorWay: You wanna bet?
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: Yeah, name it.
MelchiorWay: Two tubs of myrrh vs. a gold nugget.
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: Get the hell outta here with that myrrh crap. You know it sucks.
BalthasarGallatica: Boys...
JCDaMessiah: Gold? Myrrh? Wait a minute...
BalthasarGallatica: Now he remembers.
JCDaMessiah: My dad told me about you guys.
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: You didn’t happen to save any of that gold, did you? We’re kinda strapped.
JCDaMessiah: No, I donated it to the poor
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: Figures...
JCDaMessiah: I think I might have some of the frankincense left...let me go check...
BalthasarGallatica: Don’t worry about it. We were really looking for some gold.
MelchiorWay: Our gambling debts are piling up.
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: Plus, Herod never really forgave us for not turning you in, so we’re kinda blacklisted.
JCDaMessiah: there anything I can do?
MelchiorWay: Could you, like, turn a rock into gold or something?
JCDaMessiah: Oh...I meant like pray for you or something.
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: I guess you could put in a good word with your Pops.
JCDaMessiah: I will, although he’s tough to get a hold of.
BalthasarGallatica: Do you think we could have His screenname?
JCDaMessiah: Look inside yourself and you’ll know how to contact him.
MelchiorWay: Gee, thanks.
JCDaMessiah: No problem. Listen, fellas, I gotta go.
BalthasarGallatica: Ok!
MelchiorWay: Take care!
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: Pray for us!
JCDaMessiah: Okay guys, l8r.

JCDaMessiah has just left the room.

BalthasarGallatica: I liked him better when he was wrapped in swaddling clothing.
MelchiorWay: You think that donkey is still around? Maybe we could sell him for some cash.
CasparTheFriendlyGhost: I wonder if his mom is still, you know, celibate.
MelchiorWay: Dude!
MelchiorWay: That’s sick.

TheRockSays: Jesus! It's Peter. I know you're out, but I just wanted to give you my new SN. What do you think? It's weird, but I think the chicks are digging the new name. So thanks!
Auto Response from JCDaMessiah: Exercisin'...demons!

MaryMags69: Jesus?
JCDaMessiah: Hey Mary, what's up?
MaryMags69: What u doin?
JCDaMessiah: I was praying, but I can talk.
MaryMags69: You wanna come over?
JCDaMessiah: something wrong? You see a demon?
MaryMags69: I just want 2 c u.
JCDaMessiah: I don't think that's a good idea.
MaryMags69: BRB. Have a customer. Should only take 1 min.
JCDaMessiah: Okay...
MaryMags69: Back! I told u Id be quick LOL.
Auto Response from JCDaMessiah: Praying really hard.
MaryMags69: Jesus? Where'd u go?
MaryMags69: Jeeeeeeeeeesus.
MaryMags69: Ok. I guess ur really gone. Well, if u wanna come over, the offer still stands. Maybe I could wash ur feet with my hair again? U liked that right? Well, send me a message. TTYL.


  • At 12:44 PM, Blogger Candy Minx said…

    Chris, great idea I know it will be fun. And still keep coming up with good bits here and you'll really have your chops going. Its always good to have feedback, even if people like or don't like something, I think it keeps things lively.

  • At 5:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Needs more bite, more edge. Good stuff though.

  • At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you're going to hell you heathen son of a bitch! just playing. the context is hilarious. :) you made my day

  • At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Some random Christian said…

    Dude, that's wicked funny. And I don't find it the least bit offensive.

    I mean, God's got a sense of humor. Look at the platypus.

  • At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It is pretty hilarious, except I don't think Jesus would drop the F bomb. I feel I can't show it to intense christians cuz of that part. Otherwise pretty good.

  • At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

  • At 12:56 PM, Blogger Chris said…

    Yeah, I didn't think about Jesus and the f-word. I'll have to edit that later.

  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dude, god and jesus are laughing their asses off... you'll prolly be let into heaven just to write more shit hahahahahahah

  • At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Jason Steele said…

    the whole not showing it to a "intense christian" is fucking bullshit. I LOVED IT. and i know he has a sense of humor. Hell I do. Great Job. and loved the screen name for Mary, priceless.

  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Rob Danzier said…

    Kinda funny.

  • At 11:56 PM, Anonymous Cody said…

    You like the temperature down here? Cause it's hot in hell for us offensive jokers. Heh.

  • At 2:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i'm all for this sort of thing.. butreally this is lame.


  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Really really amusing! Loved it!

  • At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    this isn't funny. i'm really sorry, it's just lame.

  • At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This is absolutely hilarious, and God does have a sense of humor, so keep it up! I'd buy the book.

    ...I'd find it interesting to know whether or not the people who think it's lame actually read to the finish. If so...why? That's lame.

  • At 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    wow!!!! that really sucked!!!!!!
    u guys really do no how 2 disrespect ur lord!!
    i mean, even a sense of humor has a limit---2 say jesus would say things like that is absolutely disgusting!!!!
    ya, theres no doubt ur going straight 2 heaven.-NOT
    keep it up and u wont even have 2 wait till u die 2 get tortured-it'll prolly start in this life.
    i'm not veen a christian and i still have more respect 4 jesus than u ppl. DESPICABLE!!!!

  • At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    For all you who say your "real Christians"....obviously you don't have a sense of humor. This is comical because you can see the stories in these "IM's". Just because you thought this was funny doesn't mean your going to hell. Its funny and you can see that these people are still putting the word out there but in a different way. And to say to those who thought this was humorous that they are "going to heaven - not" is really immature. If you were mature maybe you could handle this little bit of humor

  • At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I thought it was pretty funny.

  • At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    As long as you bought a Bible, look in it for the Trinity, if you see it mentioned anywhere you know you got ripped off, even the Catholic Encyclopedia says the trinity never existed in the Bible before they re-wrote it.

    P.S. Ha Ha. ha. That is about how funny it is, it might have been funnier had you researched beforehand.

    P.P.S Hell was never mentioned in the Bible either, the word Hades refers to a burial site, Gehenna to a burning garbage dump that criminals were thrown into already dead to destroy them because they didn't deserve burial.

    P.P.P.S. 144,000 people go to heaven, look it up, the rest are promised life on earth, "The meek shall inherit the Earth" Sound familiar?

  • At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Exorcisin' ?? Unless "he" joined a really weird gym.

  • At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    IAmWhoAm, A more literal translation from Hebrew is "I shall prove to be who I shall prove to be."

    Meaning a form of action he will be taking, not a cryptic statement of existence.

    Bad translators should really take some blame, I can't understand anything written in Engrish, why should 18th century "Yes Men" to King James translating Hebrew and Greek be any more understandable?

  • At 11:10 PM, Blogger Chris said…

    To anonymous the last: thanks for the concern with accuracy. I'll look into the stuff you noted. But, you overlooked the whole, "Jesus didn't have the Internet" argument. :)

  • At 4:44 AM, Blogger Craig said…

    I always told you that your sense of humor was influenced. This is good work, real good work, i enjoyed it to the fullest extent of enjoyment. How about some of the crazy people telling you off about this. Oh man, people are crazy. Jokes are jokes. And that Mormon guy kinda seems like a know-it-all. Lets hang out with him, that would be a good time.

  • At 9:02 PM, Blogger Steph said…

    This stuff is great. It was great the first time I wrote it and great the second. It's funny for everyone, but it just adds a layer of humor if you know anything about the bible or have read it closely.
    And on that note, if you have, perhaps you will spend a little less time worrying about a good-humored blog on the internet and whether people are going to "heaven" or "hell" and worry more about how you treat people here on Earth right now.
    Keep up the good jokes. As for the F-word my personal opinion is that one here or there would be okay, but I admire you for choosing to take it out nevertheless.

  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger Steph said…

    Oops. By "first time I wrote it" I mean "read it"!!! I certainly did not write this! I would never plagarize off of Chris Richman, for fear JcDaMessiah would write a nasty IM about me to The Rock.
    So it was READ not WROTE!!!

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I find the inflammatory comments interesting, considering "judge not lest ye be judged." I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me who said that one.

  • At 11:56 PM, Blogger Chris said…

    Luther Vandross?

    No, that dude with the beard...I forget his name.

    I also like the whole line about removing the plank from your own eye before trying to get the splinter from your brother's.

  • At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Andrew said…

    That could have been funny, but wasn't. Are you 12?

  • At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I had read it before, and went back to read it again after seeing someone mention something about 'If God had a blog'. Anyhow...just wanted to tell you that I thought it was great. I love the fact too that so many of the negative comments from Christians are all anonymous, way to stand up for your faith. To let you know I am a Christian, in fact, I'm in a leadership position in my church, and I found this to be extremely funny. I wouldn't go so far as to say that these are true to Jesus, but I'm guessing there was alot more of this to Jesus than what the bible says. Anyhow...would love to read more if you ever write any more.


  • At 3:52 PM, Anonymous Seth (from halo! w00t) said…

    Hey man, havn't talked to you in a long while, but I still read your stuff. Hilarious - all of it. This particularly. Even as a leader at my church this is still hilarious haha. Gj, hope to talk to ya soon.

  • At 12:08 PM, Anonymous John said…

    "You guys are going to hell" blah blah blah. Seriously, who let the mormons on the internet? All of you back to your cages right now!

    Anyways, hilarious stuff! WTB Mary Mag, PST.


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