One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Too lazy to come up with a headline

People are lazy. I’m a person. Therefore, I’m lazy.

Sure, there are probably some people more lazy than myself, but I am tipping the scales of laziness at quite a weight. To tell whether you too are a lazy idiot, I have devised a simple test. If you can relate to some of the things I talk about, there is a good chance that you should be wearing the lazy dunce hat with me in the corner of the room. There will be a guide at the completion of this post to test your status in the world of laziness.

My laziness is amazing. I’m the type of person (and I bet there are many of us) who chooses the easy route nine times out of ten. The problem with me is that, often times, what I believe to be the easy route turns out to be a much more difficult one. For example, picture me relieving myself (well, don’t really, that’s kinda gross). I will be standing there, doing my business (number one, mind you), and I won’t feel like waiting until I’m finished to flush. I mean, it’s much easier to flush when you are almost finished to save those precious seconds that can later be squandered on some other useless endeavor, liking counting your toes or posting on your blog . Well, I've mastered this art on my own toilet (which I like to call my home court); I can time is so that my last drop coincides with the final liquid being flushed. I just have trouble with away games. I get cocky (pun intended). I will be staring at a new hopper and misjudge my time of completion, which means I wind up urinating into the new, fresh water rushing back up from the depths of whereever rather than the desired water that was leaving the premises. I then have to flush twice, wasting more time than I would have saved if I had just been patient. It’s a waste, I tell you, a waste, and I bet I’m not alone in this.

I’ll be nice and give you a more tasteful scene to imagine. Here's the scene: In the course of vacuuming, I come across a penny. Resolute, I attempt to pick up the lost currency with the vacuum. Uh oh, seems as if the little sucker is a little too big for Mr. Hoover to handle. I could, of course, reach down and pick up the coin with my hands, pocket it, and maybe buy myself something nice later, but this would require too much "work." So instead, I attempt for however long it takes (sometimes hours) to pick up the copper coin with the vacuum until I either succeed or pass out from fatigue. Sometimes in the course of trying to vacuum the penny I'll see a quarter on the ground. Now a quarter is worth bending down for. So I'll stop the vacuum, pick up the quarter, and then go back to trying to pick up the penny the old fashioned way. If someone kept me fed, hydrated and took care of my waste materials I would probably stand there attempting to pick up the penny until the end of time, never realizing that I could easily just have used my hand.

Finally, picture this: I’m on my bed at home watching TV. Like the typical restless human, I can’t sit still, so I’m flipping the remote control in the air and catching it again, training for my eventual career as an Olympic juggler. One of my throws goes awry (since I can’t juggle to save my life) and slips into the crack between my bed and the wall. Frustrated, but not willing to miss whatever pointless television program I am watching, I reach down to try and retrieve the fallen tool. Oops! Seems as if my hand and arm are just a little too big to slip into this crevice. Now, logic at this point would tell me to get up, move the bed, and retrieve the remote with little-to-no effort.

Well, logic is the enemy of laziness, and reaching my hand down into the crack is much easier (in theory) than getting up and moving the bed. So I reach and reach and reach, despite the sharp pain in my wrist, forearm and logic center of my brain, until I get my hand down into the depths of the forbidden chasm. But the job isn’t quite accomplished yet, my friends. Once again, the notion to just move the bed comes to mind, but since I’ve already wasted five good minutes I can’t give up just yet. When I finally touch the lost artifact, the bloody stump that used to be my hand can’t get a good grasp due to the missing digits, so I finally give up and proceed to try again with the opposite arm, hoping against hope that maybe the two appendages are different sizes. I manage the same scenario with my left hand, and when I finally reach the remote, once again only a bloody stump remains. Perhaps this is the time to admit defeat, go to the hospital, and put off watching television. Nah, I’ve gone this far, might as well continue. Using the two bloody stumps that were once my arms, I reach down and manage to sandwich the remote between my mangled wrists, using them as a perverse set of pliers. Letting out a bestial exclamation of success, I pull up my lost friend and begin the difficult task of learning how to switch the channels with my toes.

God, I'm pathetic. To see how lazy you are, follow this simple guide. If you can relate to one of the scenarios described, you are somewhat lazy. Two of the scenarios? You are as lazy as a dog on a hot summer day. All three of the scenarios? You, my friend, are like a child stuck between learning to crawl and being able to walk (a time I call "the 90's"), and you can now join my special club. Just remember, the fact that I don’t show up to the meetings doesn’t mean that I’m not still president, so don’t get any fancy ideas.


  • At 5:46 PM, Blogger Angela in Europe said…

    Laziness and a HUGE article about it. I think you just contradicted yourself!

  • At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "People are lazy. I’m a person. Therefore, I’m lazy."


    Tell that to Immanuel Kant.

  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger Chris said…

    He's dead, so I Kant.

    Bad pun. I should be Locked up for it.

    Maybe they'll Descartes me away.

    Just trying to add a little philosophical Hume-or.

    I'll stop.

  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger Angela in Europe said…

    That gave me a headache.

  • At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Ryan from class said…

    Chris - Very funny stuff! the toilet timing and remote control stuff is gold. Should have read this earlier...bookmarking...


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