One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Who Wants to Cuddle?

At the end of last semester, a friend of mine was bemoaning the fact that her sorority was totally lame. I said I would rather the girls be moaning because of something I did in the bedroom. She didn’t laugh.

She was tired of the mixers, the movie nights and the traditional keg parties. As penance for the bemoaning joke, I told her I’d do some research into a new kind of party that would totally kick ass.

I went home, hit the Internet, and after watching three videos where women stuck various sports equipment into various orifices (who knew a lacrosse stick could....never mind), I googled the word “party” and began searching. Two hours and four clowns hired for a private affair later, I stumbled upon a gold mine: the cuddle party.

Cuddle Parties, according to cuddleparty.com, are “affectionate play events for adults, designed to provide a space to explore and enjoy touch, nurturing and communication.” Basically, it’s a bunch of people lying around and hugging in their pajamas (which are the mandatory attire). This sounded like a perfect event for a sorority! I mean, how many times have men pictured sleep over parties where women lounged about, hitting each other with pillows. Not only did a cuddle party encourage this, but it was mandatory, and the men could be involved. I read on.

At a Cuddle Party, people can get their R.D.A.W.T, or Recommended Daily Allowance of Welcomed Touch. It turns out that, as humans, we have instinctual needs to be touched, hugged, and massaged by people that we like. My R.D.A.W.T. as a healthy young male is ALL THE FREAKING TIME. But yours may vary. Consult your physician before engaging in excess cuddling. So I felt like I had the perfect solution to the sorority soiree situation. I was ready to make my presentation until I came across a section of the website entitled “rules.” These rules have made me rethink my proposal.

1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.
This means you have to pee or shit your pants should the need arise, which will make you less cuddly.

2. No SEX.
No sex. Cuddling? Sure. Sex? Nope. More on this to follow.

3. Kissing and nuzzling, as well as other forms of touch, are allowed, but you must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone.
Okay, you can kiss and nuzzle, but no sex. So it’s pretty much just endless foreplay. Sounds like most of my dates. Asking permission? “Hey, can I kiss and nuzzle you?” If you have to ask, you’re probably a giant loser already.

4.You don't have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.
What? Why not? I don’t go to super bowl parties and not watch the super bowl. Or birthday parties and not eat cake. So why would you go to a Cuddle Party and not cuddle?

5. If you're a yes, say YES. If you're a no, say NO.
6. If you're a maybe, say NO.
I would do the opposite, just to mix things up. “NO! NO! NO!?”as I cuddle the hell out of someone.

7. You are encouraged to change your mind from a yes to a no, no to a yes anytime you want.
Ask Kobe Byrant how he feels about people changing their minds midway through.

8. NO DRY HUMPING!
DAMMIT! Clothes stay on and you can kiss and nuzzle, but you can’t simulate sex with your clothes on? What kind of lame party is this? I’d try to argue, but they wrote it all in caps. How can you argue with ALL CAPS!?

9. If you're in a relationship, communicate and set your boundaries and agreements BEFORE you go to the Cuddle Party. Don't re-negotiate those agreements/boundaries during the Cuddle Party. (Trust us on this one.)
Hey hon, I know we are together and everything, but I REALLY want to cuddle with this hot chick. Please? Honey? Where are you going?

10. Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if there's a concern, problem, or question or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party.
Hi. I’m a cuddle lifeguard. Please shoot me in the head. “Um, Cuddle Caddy, could you help me? My zipper is stuck and I really want to fuck this girl I’ve been cuddling with for an hour...oh, rule number 2 you say? How about if I just....oh, rule number 7.” Do you think the Cuddle Lifeguards use rape whistles?

11. Crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged.
WHAT?! CRYING?! I don’t even know what to say to that one.

12. Please be respectful of other people's privacy when sharing with the outside world about Cuddle Parties and DO NOT GOSSIP.
Apparently the twelfth rule of cuddle party is you don’t talk about cuddle party.

13. Arrive on time.
14. Be hygienically savvy.
I can see the need for 14, but 13? Why is that a steadfast rule? I’d think there would be an advantage to being late, that way you could scan the field and pick a cutey to cuddle up with. It also takes out the awkward first moments when you are trying to see if that certain special someone will listen to you giggle and cry.

14. Always say thank you and practice good Cuddle Manners.
Hey, thanks, thanks a lot for those terrible 13 hours of unrequited lust. I had a great time.

So, if you are a pervert like I am, you are probably wondering about one thing. Well, they even answered that in a subtle way.“Erections. Erections. ERECTIONS. There, we said it.” You sure did! All that talk about erections has made me...well, never mind. I guess it is inevitable that these things would come up, and their explanation of what to do is this: “At a Cuddle Party, erections become Mother Nature's way of giving us the thumbs-up sign.” Just really think about that statement for a second. Read it again. Close your mouth. If I had known that erections were Mother Nature’s thumbs-up sign, I probably wouldn’t have been so embarrassed all the time in grade school.

So I decided that a sexually frustrating get together might not be the best plan for a sorority shindig, what with the ignored erections, awkward crying, poor hygiene and the stink of rejection that would linger when someone was a “maybe,” which we all know is actually a “no.”

Let’s just have a kegger.

2 Comments:

  • At 3:52 PM, Blogger Rachel Green said…

    What type of idiot came up with these type of parties? How would one even initiate such a loser party? "Hey guys why don't we all get together later and cuddle!"

     
  • At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Serena said…

    hahaha wow chris you are histerical!!

     

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