One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Going the Distance

I'm so hot right now
Here's the thing. Sometimes young men and women do stupid things, like get into long-distance relationships. If you currently happen to find yourself in one, first I'll say you're dumb, but secondly I'll let you know that there is hope. Since I've done the long-distance thing, I've been able to compile ways to keep in contact with that distant lover. I hereby present to you, the "One Egg Shy Guide to Long-Distance Sex."

Pony Express Sex
Pros: This has a certain appeal, as it harkens back to the days where women wore corsets and hid those real little guns in their nether regions, adding an element of danger.
Cons: Asking, "what are you wearing?" isn't quite as exciting when the reply takes a 40 day cross country voyage to get back to you with a disappointing reply that reads, "Scuba gear, why?"

Skywriting Sex
Pros: This is great for the exhibitionist in you, as everyone in your county will know that you are getting some. Also, it's sure to reach your mark, as long as they are outside and looking at the sky at the exact right moment.
Cons: You've heard the expression, "Wearing your heart on your sleeve?" Well, skywriting sex requires wearing your heart on a canvas viewable to the unwashed masses. Plus, if you have spelling or grammatical mistakes, God will most likely laugh at your lame ass.

Sonnet Sex
Pros: History has shown the effectiveness of quoting poetry to the object of your affection, so sex via poetry is sure to please your honey as well. Plus, the rhythm of stressed/unstressed/stressed/unstressed is sure to make anyone hot.
Cons: Writing poetry is hard (just look at the wall of any public restroom to verify this), especially with rules as strict as the sonnet. And guys, quoting rap lyrics like N.W.A.'s "She Swallowed It" (Punch the bitch in the eye/then the ho will fall to the ground/Then you open up her mouth/put your dick, move the shit around) just doesn't have the same romantic effect as something by Lord Tennyson for most girls.

Morse Code Sex
Pros: While Morse Code itself isn't the most seductive language, imagine if you could somehow connect the vibrations to your naughty parts? That'd be hot.
Cons: Honestly, good vibrations aside, unless you actually read Morse Code, ..-. ..- -.-. -.- just isn't that sexy.

Pigeon Sex
Pros: The hours it takes to train birds to carry messages of passionate love will show just how devoted you really are to that special someone.
Cons: You have to be careful how you propose this manner of lovemaking, since, "We should have sex with birds" can be easily misinterpreted. Finally, there is always the danger that the bird can take a dump on your partner, which for most (I shouldn't knock the Cleveland Steamer until I try it, I guess) wouldn't be too fun.

Smoke Signal Sex
Pros: Fire is already closely linked to sex with expressions such as "You're making me hot," "She's an old flame," and "Seriously, this isn't a pickup line, my house is actually on fire," so there is a logical leap between this sort of thinking and the erotic technique of the smoke signal. You can set up a series of colors to indicate your level of arousal that will leave your partner gasping (literally) for more.
Cons: The Vatican may think you are hitting on them.


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