One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Let's make them drink our expletive deleted

I don't usually watch the news. Call me ignorant, but I usually hear about things 10-15 years after they happen. I just found out that the Berlin Wall collapsed thanks to the rocking music of David Hasselhoff. Flipping through the channels the other night, I happened to land on CNN, which was airing a report on the unsanitary condition of ice. You know, ice? That stuff that water becomes when it gets cold? Apparently it's no longer safe.

The people doing the report wanted to see if the ice that went into drinks was living up to health code standards, so they tested restaurants in four different cities to gauge the quality of their ice. Included in the test were a 7/11, a Dunkin Donuts, a Burger King, a McDonalds and some corporate coffee place I had never heard of (Javascript or Jim Beans or some shit). Out of the five restaurants tested, four out of five had traces of fecal matter on the ice. Fecal matter! As far as I am concerned, the only place that traces of fecal matter should be found is in larger amounts of fecal matter. I want you to think back to some hot summer day when you lazily chewed on ice at your local Stop and Shop or Piggly Wiggly. Remember that slightly odd taste that you ignored? That was shit. Human waste. The stuff that comes out of your ass.

These types of reports are why I don't watch the news. When is the news ever good? For every story about some old coot making it to the century mark, there are 15 murder, rape, murder/rape, or disgusting ice stories. I could have lived my whole life without knowing that someone's poo was flavoring my drink. As if drinks didn't have enough crazy new tastes (lime, lemon, semen), now I have to worry about Diet Cherry Vanilla Cantaloupe Stool Sample Pepsi? Dr. Pooper? Coke Number II? Mountain Doo Doo?

You may be wondering exactly how the fecal matter gets onto the ice. Well, you have to remember that fecal matter is all around us-- on our money, on our dog's tongues as they lick our faces, on the mints in that little bowl at your favorite restaurant, on sweet little Billy Fredericks' fingers as he plunges into our anus. So it can be transferred from surface to surface quite easily.

I knew a guy in college who rarely washed his hands after using the bathroom. I mean, come on, we all know that sometimes with a quick piss the wash is unnecessary. But this guy would come out of taking a shit without the slightest, most cursory dabbing of water on his fudge-covered hands. And according to the report I saw, to make sure the fecal matter is completely neutralized, it takes about a full minute of scrubbing with somewhat hot water. I'm sure many of us out there would shamefully admit that we don't scrub as thoroughly as we should. But just do me a favor, okay? If you are going to eat my pretzels, hold my hand or allow me to lick your fingers in an erotic display of courtship, just wash up, okay? If you are going to hand me my food at a local eatery, could you maybe make sure that it isn't covered in crap?

There are ways to ensure that your ice is pooless. You could boil the ice to get rid of harmful bacteria and then freeze the boiled water again. You could bring your own spiffy microscope set to examine each piece of ice before allowing it to cool your drink. You could just drink your Sierra Mist sans ice: it's still pretty cool and you don't have to worry about what other substances are floating in your drink. You could do like I do: just accompany the ice attendant to the bathroom to make sure that they are washing their hands sufficiently (this is tougher with food service workers of the opposite sex). Or you could just stop watching the fucking news so you don't know any of the disgusting things going on in this world.


  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'll take no ice AND no news... "no news is good news" after all.

  • At 9:00 PM, Blogger Donna T said…

    I was writing a blog about ice and illness and came across yours- just linked back to it. How gross.

  • At 4:01 AM, Anonymous viagra said…

    I, of course, a newcomer to this blog, but the author does not agree

  • At 10:38 PM, Blogger Soundfx4 said…

    People are disgusting...


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