One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Far and Away

Lately I’ve been doing something that I promised myself I’d never do: I’ve become a compulsive away-message-checker. I didn’t used to stall. I didn’t used to care what other people were doing, or what silly little thing they had in their profiles. But the bug finally got me.

I have some advice for all you out there.

Boys and girls, we all have rough patches in our lives, but I don’t like seeing depressing away messages. Okay, okay, I understand if someone passed away that you may want to put an R.I.P. Juan the Gardener, but this is something that should be buried (no pun intended) in your profile instead of displayed prominently in your awayer. Also, things like, “This can’t keep going, can it?” or just the simple :/ face should be hidden away deep in the profile. That way, if I care enough about you to go digging, I’ll uncover these things and ask you what’s wrong.

Now, I know that I too have been guilty of this. I put in song lyrics that have to do with my current situation like, “There’s a hole in daddy’s arm where all the money goes/Jesus Christ died for nothin’ I suppose,” but at least I have some interpretation that goes along with this dismal and morbid lyrics. It’s better than one that reads, “I’m sad!” or “My boyfriend left me for a Phillipino turtle.” Come on people! People check those things, so why not insert a little humor?

I suggest that anyone reading this should try, for the next week or so, to insert something painfully embarrassing that has happened to you recently for the rest of your buddies to laugh at. Something like, “My vibrator ran out of juice 15 seconds from climax!” or “My friend stirred my drink with the finger that had just been in his own ass 5 minutes earlier.” I’ll get the ball rolling on here: I tripped going into a Wendy’s the other day. See? It’s easy.

On the topic of AIM, I am also going to start systematically removing those from my list who don’t belong any more. But I don’t want to just do so in some haphazard, seek-and-destroy manner. I’m going to do it in an orderly way. And for this, I’ve devised a mathematical system of points based on different factors. Here’s how it is going to work:

  • For every yearit's been since we talked -100
  • For creative/interesting away messages +3
  • For interesting links/news +3
  • If we hooked up +5
  • If I think we could hook up again or for the first time +500
  • If we dated but there's no chance we'll hook up again -1000
  • If we talk every day +100
  • If we talk every week +50
  • If we talk every month +10
  • If we talk every year +1
  • If I have a secret man-crush on you -50
  • If you read and comment on the brilliance of my writing +100
  • If you put up depressing or lame away messages -50
  • If you have an alternate SN that you haven't used since the new one -1000
I've decided that as long as you are in the positives, you're safe. Anything lower than zero and you are getting removed.

So let's take a look at a typical member of my AIM buddy list. Let's call her Karen.
I wanted to hook up with Karen our sophomore year (+500) but I haven't talked to her in 2 years (-100 x 2) and occassionally she has depressing away messages about the war in Iraq or the death of her pet squid (-50). Karen totals 250, so she stays on.

Here is another person. Let's call him Curtis. Curtis and I lived in the same building freshman year. He puts up interesting away messages (+3) about how hungover he is or who he slept with, but we haven't talked in three years (-300). Curtis is gone.

As you can see, there is some bias for the ladies. That's thinking with my head.

So this is going into effect as of right now. First to go off my list? The roommate of the first girl I slept with at college.

Be afraid. You could be next.


  • At 12:27 PM, Blogger Jake said…

    I'm currently writing a program for my TI-83 calculator that will let me do this with amazing speed and accuracy.

    Ok, not really. I just wanted to impress you so I don't get cut.

  • At 2:25 AM, Anonymous Geneva said…

    I mentioned your scoring system on my site, and I am definetly going to use it!

    Thanks for making it so much easier to get rid of the lame-oids on my list.

  • At 7:29 AM, Blogger Candy Minx said…

    HI I love your Jesus IM.


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