One Egg Shy

The musings of Chris. Writer, humanitarian, hero.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

If Jesus had IM Version II

At long last, I've completed the second installment. I'm posting it here to allow for comments, but don't forget to visit my all-new, completely owned and operated website OneEggShy.
Don't forget to read the original here:

JesusTheCarpenter: Mom?
VirginMary7: Jesus! Good to hear from You! How are You?
JesusTheCarpenter: I’m good, I’m good.
VirginMary7: How does it feel to be 29?
JesusTheCarpenter: I’m getting near the point where I should be doing my Father’s work, you know?
VirginMary7: What do You mean? You’ve always help Joseph. That house the two of You built was really good. Bob and Suzie are still raving about it.
JesusTheCarpenter: No, I mean My Father.
VirginMary7: Oh…
JesusTheCarpenter: So that’s actually what I wanted to ask you about. I feel like I need a new screenname to reflect My new mission.
VirginMary7: Oh, okay. Well, what are You thinking?
JesusTheCarpenter: I’ve made a list. Tell me what you think.
VirginMary7: Okay.
JesusTheCarpenter: Here’s the first one: PrinceOfPeace.
VirginMary7: Hmm…I like it, but I don’t love it. I think people will have a problem with You saying You’re a Prince, you know?
JesusTheCarpenter: Yeah…so you won’t like KingODaJews either. LambOfGod?
VirginMary7: I don’t like You being compared to an animal.
JesusTheCarpenter: TheTrueVine?
VirginMary7: I don’t like the implication of alcohol.
JesusTheCarpenter: Tough crowd ;) How about TheWordOfLife?
VirginMary7: That’s better. It’s the best so far. What else do you have?
JesusTheCarpenter: What about DaGoodShepard?
VirginMary7: I like that one too. Is that it?
JesusTheCarpenter: The only other one I have is JCDaMessiah.
VirginMary7: Perfect!
JesusTheCarpenter: Yeah?
VirginMary7: Yup, I love it.
JesusTheCarpenter: Okay, that’s what I’ll use then. Thanks mom.
VirginMary7: Glad I could help. Take care. Make sure You’re eating well!


JesusTheCarpenter:
Dad? You there?
Auto response from IAmWhoAm: I’m away from my computer right now.

JesusTheCarpenter: Oh, okay, You must be busy. I just wanted to let You know that I was making a new screenname. So if You ever, You know, want to drop Me a line, you can reach me at JCDaMessiah. I think the new name will reflect My new mission and everything.
JesusTheCarpenter: Send me an IM whenever, Dad. Oh, and thanks for the new abilities and things. I’ve been practicing working miracles around the house while no one is around. I brought a caterpillar back to life the other day.
JesusTheCarpenter: So, um, I’ll talk to you later.



Taxman54: Jesus?
JcDaMessiah: Matthew. Hey.
Taxman54: I need to talk to you about something…
JcDaMessiah: Okay, I’m listening.
Taxman54: Well, I did something…sinful. Not just once, either.
JcDaMessiah: Okay…
Taxman54: I’ve been looking at dirty websites.
JcDaMessiah: Oh. Well, yeah, that is a problem.
Taxman54: I can’t help it! I know it’s bad and everything, but I can’t resist the temptation. It’s like I don’t WANT to look at the sites, but before I know it, my hand is moving the mouse and there I am again. I’m so sorry!
JcDaMessiah: Okay. Well, this may sound harsh, but you may have to cut it off…
Taxman54: My hand?
JcDaMessiah: No, your connection to the Internet.
Taxman54: Oh. Crap. But I use it all the time.
JcDaMessiah: If it offends thee, cut it off.
Taxman54: Can’t I at least go to dial-up?
JcDaMessiah: Will that solve the problem, or just make it less severe?
Taxman54: Maybe I would be better off cutting off my hand. LOL.
JcDaMessiah: You know what you have to do.
Taxman54: You’re right. But how will I communicate with everyone?
JcDaMessiah: You’ll find a way.
Taxman54: Yeah…okay, thank you, master.
JcDaMessiah: NE time.


JcDaMessiah: Dad?
Auto response from IAmWhoAm: I’m away from my computer right now. JcDaMessiah: Still out I see. Well, I just wanted to ask why You didn’t show up for my baptism the other day? All the other dad’s were there. I did really well, too. The Holy Spirit came. It was good to see him again. Well, if You can make it, I’m going to be doing an exorcism next week. I’d really like it if You were there, Dad. Mom sends her best.

Martha'sVineyard: Hey.
JCDaMessiah: Martha! Good to hear from you!
Martha'sVineyard: Yeah, um, u 2.
JCDaMessiah: How are you? How’s your brother?
Martha'sVineyard: That’s actually what I’m writing you about.
JCDaMessiah: Oh. What’s up?
Martha'sVineyard: It’s about Lazurus.
JCDaMessiah: Is he okay?
Martha'sVineyard: Not really. I wanted to ask…well, I heard about the whole water-into-wine thing, and we’re all very impressed. I couldn’t believe you healed that crippled man. And walking on water and saving that drowning man? Real, real neat.
JCDaMessiah: Okay…
Martha'sVineyard: But, um, we were wondering just how far your mircales actually could strech.
JCDaMessiah: He isn’t a thirsty, drowning cripple, is he?
Martha'sVineyard: No, it’s a little more complicated than that…
JCDaMessiah: ???
Martha'sVineyard: He’s, um…
Martha'sVineyard: Boy, this is hard.
Martha'sVineyard: He’s…well…really sick.
JCDaMessiah: Okay. Look, I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?
Martha'sVineyard: Oh, thank you Lord!
JCDaMessiah: You’re welcome.


Apostle#7: Yo, jeez!
JCDaMessiah: Hey, what’s up?
Apostle#7: I heard there’s this crazy big crowd gathered in the streets waiting for You!
JCDaMessiah: Yeah, I figured there would be.
Apostle#7: It’s nutz! There must be thousands of people!
JCDaMessiah: I know! I’m pretty excited.
Apostle#7: It’s almost like…nah, I shouldn’t say it.
JCDaMessiah: Huh?
Apostle#7: I don’t want to offend anyone.
JCDaMessiah: Okay…
Apostle#7: Well, I was just gonna say, it’s almost like You’re bigger than the Beatles!
JcDaMessiah: LOL! Nah, I don’t think so. They’re still pretty big.
Apostle#7: I don’t know, there really are A LOT of people.
JCDaMessiah: Listen up, here’s what we’re gonna do. Go into town and find a Ford Pinto.
Apostle#7: A Pinto? Are You sure? Wouldn’t a Corvette be better?
JCDaMessiah: Come on, trust me.
Apostle#7: Okay. So find the Pinto…
JCDaMessiah: It’ll never have been driven before.
Apostle#7: I can imagine why, those cars are crappy.
JCDaMessiah: Bring it to me and then I’ll ride on top of it, like in a parade.
Apostle#7: What about the owner?
JCDaMessiah: If the owner gives you trouble, just tell him it’s for Me. He’ll understand.
Apostle#7: Okay, we’ll do as You ask. I still think You’re bigger than the Beatles.

JCDaMessiah: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that crap is going down tonight. So, um, be ready.
TheRockSays: I’m not going to let them take you.
JCDaMessiah: Yes you are. I know you don’t want to hear this, but all of the members of the D Crew are gonna deny knowing me.
TheRockSays: What? I’d never do that!
JCDaMessiah: Yes you will, Peter. Twice, in fact, before the cock crows.
TheRockSays: I’ll kill the guards before letting them get you. I’ll die myself!
JCDaMessiah: You’re my bff, Peter, you know that, but it’s gonna happen. Just be ready.


JDaBaptist: Sup, cuz?
JCDaMessiah: Johnny, hey, what’s going down?
JDaBaptist: Nuttin’, nuttin. U hungry?
JCDaMessiah: Yeah, kinda. Wanna grab lunch?
JDaBaptist: Yeah, come on over. U want pizza or fish?
JCDaMessiah: I’m getting a little tired of the whole fish thing, to be honest. The apostles are ALWAYS eating it. Pizza sounds great.
JDaBaptist: K. Toppings?
JCDaMessiah: Whatever you want man, it’s your pizza.
JDaBaptist: How about wild honey and locusts?
JCDaMessiah: What? As toppings?
JDaBaptist: Yeah dude, they’re delicious.
JCDaMessiah: Okay, I guess.
JDaBaptist: Okay, come over in like a few.
JCDaMessiah: Oh, John?
JDaBaptist: Yeah? What up?
JCDaMessiah: I have a silly question…
JDaBaptist: ??
JCDaMessiah: Well, I know you’ve done a lot of baptisms and everything…
JDaBaptist: Uh huh…
JCDaMessiah: Well…I still have water in my ear. Do you know a good way to get it out?
JDaBaptist: Oh, haha, that happens all the time. Can’t U just, U know, take care of it Urself?
JCDaMessiah: I don’t like to use my, um, powers on myself, you know? I don’t think my pops would approve.
JDaBaptist: Okay, we’ll take a look at it when U get here.
JCDaMessiah: Thanks, bud.
JDaBaptist: No prob. Cya soon.

JudasIzzy23: Yo, how much silver for selling out Jesus?
JcDaMessiah: What?
JudasIzzy23: Shit. Wrong window. Christ.
JcDaMessiah: Yes?
JudasIzzy23: I sent it to the wrong window.
JcDaMessiah: I forgive you.


ChristHasRisen: Mary?
Auto response from MaryMags69: :(
ChristHasRisen: You there?
MaryMags69: Who is this?
ChristHasRisen: Why are you crying?
MaryMags69: They took away my lord’s body and I don’t know where they’ve taken him!
ChristHasRisen: Mary…calm down.
MaryMags69: Wait…teacher?
ChristHasRisen: What up!!?
MaryMags69: Oh My! You have risen! Now I guess the screenname makes sense. LOL.
ChristHasRisen: Can you do Me a favor?
MaryMags69: Of course!
ChristHasRisen: Tell my disciples that I haven’t yet returned to My Pops, but that I will. Okay?
MaryMags69: Yes, yes! I’m so glad!


ChristHasRisen: Thomas!
DoubtingThomas: Who is this?
ChristHasRisen: It’s Jesus! I’m back!
DoubtingThomas: Yeah, sure. Who is this?
ChristHasRisen: Thomas, seriously, it’s Jesus.
DoubtingThomas: Jesus died. I saw his tomb.
ChristHasRisen: Thomas. It’s Me. Really.
DoubtingThomas: Uh huh. Who is this? Matthias? You make a new SN to mess with all the disciples?
ChristHasRisen: It’s Me. I’m telling you.
DoubtingThomas: Not buying it. If you’re really Jesus…what’s your favorite food?
ChristHasRisen: Fish.
DoubtingThomas: Too easy, everyone knows that.
ChristHasRisen: Okay, ask me another then.
DoubtingThomas: Alright, alright. Why did Jesus use stories?
ChristHasRisen: Because when other people listen, they don’t hear, and when they look, they don’t see. I reveal the truth to you guys.
DoubtingThomas: Good answer? You’ve done your research. But listen, I’m not going to believe you until I can stick my hands in your wounds.
ChristHasRisen: Is that really what you want? I’ll take a pic with my webcam right now and send it over. Will that satisfy you? Huh? Then you can see where the spear lanced me close up.
DoubtingThomas: Oh man. You are Jesus, aren’t You? I’m sorry!
ChristHasRisen: I’m glad you believe it, now. But listen, Thomas…the best people will be those who believe in Me without needing a direct connection to prove it.


Monday, August 07, 2006

New Website

So you may have been wondering why I haven't updated lately.
Well, the answer is simple: I have a new website.

Come check out my new site at www.oneeggshy.com!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Welcome

In case you're coming to my website via College Humor, here are some posts you should totally check out.

If Jesus had IM
My Mega Job Interview
Clippy the Paperclip

Monday, July 10, 2006

Dear Mr. Mayer

Dear John Mayer,
Listen. This has to stop.

It isn’t like you’re a bad guy. It isn’t that your music completely sucks. I actually kind of like your weird voice and think you seem like an amusing guy.

But please—for the love of all that is sacred— please stop having your music played in my restaurant.

I just can’t deal with it. I can’t deal with “Your Body is a Wonderland” every five minutes. Jesus Christ, John, I know my body is a FUCKING WONDERLAND.

I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.

When I first heard the song a bunch of years ago, I actually liked it. I knew the lyrics were cheesy and aimed at sleeping with girls. I knew the chord progression was predictable and that the song was made to appeal to the radio, but it still had a nice little groove to it.

But please John, enough. ENOUGH. I can’t listen to your songs 10 times a day. I just can’t. I need variety. I need flavor. I need something other than you crooning over and over again about the wonderment of my body.

It’s nice that you’ve noticed how I’ve been working out. I’m flattered. But it’s gotten to be embarrassing at the job. How can I wait on tables when you keep talking about how luxurious my body is?

So please John. Knock it off. For me, for everyone.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Class Act

I've been pretty busy lately with both my new job and trying to get OneEggShy.com up and running. Since I've recently been telling people about working at a dinner theater last year, I figured I'd post something I wrote last summer about it.

I am a professional actor. Before you think of such superstars as Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, or Louie Anderson, you have to realize that I am performing in a dinner theater for tourists at the Jersey shore. I do two seatings a night of what is called the "Medieval Idol," a lame-ass parody of the equally bad "American Idol." I am Justin Ogre, an unscrupulous, ugly, smelly mess of jokes and bad singing that simultaneously repulses and entertains the masses. I'm getting paid to be an actor, and yet I'm getting totally disillusioned. So what the fuck is my problem?

Well, for starters, when most people think of actors they think of red carpets, sexy girlfriends, and millions of dollars. The only carpet that I deal with, however, is the one I have to freaking vacuum in between shows. The sexy girlfriends are the ones who watch the show with their collar-up, backwards hat boyfriends and disappear before I can awkwardly try to hit on them. The millions of dollars refer to what I wish I could pay to regain my dignity.

If you have never been to a dinner theater before, then you don't know that this sort of performance is very interactive. I go out into the audience and talk directly to the throngs of people, hoping that if I joke around enough that they will leave a decent tip. For some reason, however, people think that since I am a lowly actor that they have the right to poke, prod, and sometimes even punch me. I'm serious. Little kids actually punch me sometimes. I try to laugh it off while silently cursing their parents for ever having sex.


Another big problem is that I am about as close to a prostitute as possible without the dick breath. I pretend, over and over, to be enjoying something in order to ensure other people's pleasure. I wear makeup and dress in an uncomfortable costume to entice the masses. I'm good at faking it too. I am not your typical dock trash—I'm a high class whore. You have to wine and dine my ass before getting some snatch, but man, it's worth it.

The only good part about this travesty is that since I play an ogre, I can pretty much say whatever the fuck I want and people just laugh it off. I've told older people to hurry up and die already, parents to stop having children to save the world some torment, and older women to continue drinking and to meet me in the alleyway later for what I promise will be a quickie. Whenever people seem off put by this, I remind them that I am "Justin Ogre" and everything is forgiven. I can be a complete asshole and the crowd will laugh, applaud, and tip me for this boorish behaviour. This freedom has its drawback, however—sometimes after the show I'll want to insult an ugly shirt or rub some bald guy's head, forgetting that I can't act this way when outside of the show. Saying I'm "Justin Ogre" doesn't work when hitting on ladies outside of the theater, but on the bright side, I am developing a resistance to pepper spray.

I should feel lucky that I am not at the bottom of the acting food chain because, believe it or not, there are worse gigs than mine. The worst go as follows:

Renaissance Fair Performer
Sure, it would be cool to do the joust, but more likely you will be playing some blacksmith who has to speak with a ridiculous accent while offering repairs on shields. Totally lame.

Theme Park Mascot
Most of the time you don't even get to speak, you just have to walk around the park in the smelliest, hottest suit imaginable while taking pictures with snot-nosed brats who want to step on your oversized feet. You can't even pretend to hit on attractive girls, and as soon as your hand brushes against some hottie's ass, they are screaming rape.

Straight Guy in a Gay Porn
While I personally don't like "lesbian" scenes in movies (I'm in theatre, so I've met plenty of real lesbians and trust me, they are not weighing 105 pounds with stacked C cups), being rammed as a straight guy is far worse. When you've reached this point in your career, it's probably time to tear up your head shot before you get one. From a dude. On your face.

So at least I'm not doing these things. It could be worse, right?